Yes it is that time again. Time to write another story on this blog, because for the ones that didn't figure it out yet, I write when I feel down and today is definately such a day.
Do I share that feeling with anybody, the feeling of being useless? That everything you try to do fails, and the harder you try, the more it fails? I wish somebody would shoot me off that Liberland boat, atleast I don't have to think about anything anymore. I could definitely use a long rest. I wish I could just live the last 5 minutes of my life to know how it would end and then be done with it, forever.
I like to think that I know best sometimes. That I feel how another way would be better, but unfortunately it always takes another persons commitment to get there and I'm unable to guide them in the right direction. Better said, my guidance often achieves quite the opposite of where I want to get. It's not so nice, but ofcourse I won't ever tell anybody that directly. I just show a nice smile and will tell you how great my life is. How fortunate I am that I manage to keep my head above the water on my own, sovereign like nobody else. How I don't need help of others to manage myself. In a way it's very true, but that is not my goal in life. I frankly don't really care how I'm doing, much more do I care about other peoples wellbeing.
That is why I sacrificed a lot over the years. Not just some money, but more then that my time, energy and in some way my health, both mental and phisical. Ofcourse, nobody will believe me when I say I did it for others, no, because I must be doing it for myself in some way. I want to have that status of being more then another, I want to profit over other peoples loss and I am the one making a problem out of everything in the first place. Just adjust your goals and be happy with the fact you can enjoy what you get out of that.
If only it was simple like that. If only I could stop worrying for one night and not think those bad thoughts. But I won't let it happen, I won't settle for less, because I've been priviliged enough to be born in a family that provided me with enough love and care to be able to make those changes. On top of that I'm lucky enough to have the brains to think it through and seperate that what is important from that what is not.
By today, my wallet is too big for one person, but too small for my dreams. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and it makes me sad to know that there is one thing that I'm missing to achieve my goals and that is enough empathy to understand the other brain. I really believe if people would just follow my lead there would be nothing but winners, but unfortunately I can't address it on the right tone, which couses a field full of losers.
This blog for example, an endless diarrea of complaints, while there are so many others ways to explain what is going on. I know I am the only person that can change who I am, but in order to be what I am I need to accept the full picture. I complain a lot, yes I know that, I can be horribly difficult in a way that even I start to hate myself. I make it a lot more difficult on myself most of the time by setting all kind of stupid rules that don't mean anything exept for my brain. Those rules need to be kept, because that is how I keep balance of what is going on. Those rules are not too difficult most of the time, but it is very easy to question them and it is not easy to explain them.
I always hope that people would go with me, but unfortunately I have to make the conclusion that people prefer to go against it. For whatever reason, I don't know. The outcome then becomes a lot less optimal for everybody and that is the story of my life, less then optimal. I think I can make other people happy, but in the long run. They have to accept some propositions of me, which in the end will be benefitial to them, but nobody is taking it, they put their heels deep in the sand and stop me from the direction where I want to go.
For everybody that thinks I'm just complaining for no reason, WE ARE ALL SLAVES IN A SYSTEM THAT FEEDS OF THE ENERGY OF EVERY INDIVIDUAL IN IT!!! This system comes out the dark ages and is based on slavetrading and what is more worrying then people being a victim, we are destroying our planet at a unprecedented scale because of it! We can achieve so much more, if only we can work together, as human being to human being, but it takes courage and persistance. Thank Satoshi Nakamoto I got this blog. Every time I write here, it feels like going to the toilet and leave a couple of kilos of shit behind, a real relief again and again.